Unfinished Business

The last three weeks have been nothing but rain. Cold, wet, dark, unwelcoming.

But today feels different. Hopefully different. I can see clearly around me. And like a hard slap in the face, the reason why has presented itself to me.

All of this hurt, loss, the unsettling feeling of the unknown is fading into blackness. What once was stark white and staring me in the face now dissipates into the past.

The decision I've made and this choice to move forward with it scares me, thrills me and intimidates me but these past three weeks have done nothing but knock me down and keep me there. Today I've woken to stand back up, because when the universe knocks you down you not only have to stand up, you have to hit the ground running.

I couldn't have made this decision without my family of course, who love and encourage the decision I've made despite my ambitious goals. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Rith, my love, my equal, you are a great deal of the reason why. My next move is a little selfish and I'm beyond grateful to not only lean on you. I'm grateful that you carry me when I cannot walk on my own. These next years will be so exciting to share with you by my side.

To my best friend, Griffin, know that you inspire me when you do nothing at all. You constantly remind me to reduce the debt in life, to reduce the excess and for that I thank you. Thank you for not only keeping it real, but thank you for reminding me that the beaten path isn't necessarily the right path for everyone.

The wheels of change are in motion, once everything is complete and official I'll share with the rest of you what I plan to do next. To my readers in general, thank you for sharing all of this with me, I've got big surprises in store in the coming months, stay tuned.

Stay With It

I've practiced yoga with several different instructors in various studios and gyms and also at different levels of difficulty. One of my favorite things that these instructors had in common was said to the class when we were posed in the most uncomfortable of positions. "Stay with it, the pain won't last long." 

And of course, it wasn't really painful or else your body would tell you to release the position, but to hear that reminder in class kept me going, kept me folded, kept me twisted, kept me bent. I say that phrase to myself more often these days and outside of the yoga classes. 

A few weeks ago when my tires were stolen and I was laid off the very next day I couldn't help but feel utterly defeated. But I said to myself, both verbally and internally..."Stay with it Tash, it won't last long." 

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that the pain simply means we're alive. Tires are replaceable and a job is just another opportunity. More importantly, our careers are not what makes us who we are, but rather its what we do. Stay with it.  

Interpreter of Maladies

On July 8th, at 7am I kissed my boyfriend goodbye as I walked out of our apartment to my car to get in my usual morning cardio at the gym. I got into my car, locked the doors and started the engine. I took the gear shift out of neutral and shifted to first after releasing the e-brake. I turned the wheel to drive off but my car was unmovable.

Without knowing that both of my passenger tires were stolen, I repeated the same steps to no resolve. Finally, I got out of my car to walk around and inspect the problem. As I made my way to the passenger side, there lay my car, propped on two broken red bricks without rims, tires or lug nuts.

Initially I felt confused, saddened and then angry. Really angry. I felt personally violated against. I felt targeted. My mind was overwhelmed with questions, "Who would do this?" and "Why me?" But these questions didn't help nor did they make me feel better.

I ran back to my apartment and fell apart in Rith's arms. We called the police, filed a report, called my insurance as well as a tow truck. When all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry there was no time for it. With $1800 worth of damages, I'm grateful that I was not in any danger. Sure, that certainly wasn't an expense I was planning for but at the end of the day I reminded myself that all material things can be replaced.

The very next morning, because I had taken Thursday off to deal with my stolen tires, I went into work about two hours early. At almost noon that day, myself, my entire team and several others were laid off. I wish I could take back my tears in that conference room because it wasn't worth my tears. I just couldn't believe it, couldn't believe any of it. It suddenly felt that everything in my world was crashing down right on top of me. Everything that had felt safe and comfortable, everything I knew was no more. The blows weren't stopping and I couldn't help but take it personally.

If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for this? I don't know but I hope that the answer isn't far away. As for now, I'm taking some time off to focus on me. That may sound really selfish but after a weekend of some serious defeat, my mind, heart and body need a little TLC. I'm so grateful to have a supportive and loving boyfriend and family because without them I don't know how I'll get by.

I will tell you one more thing, it's day 3 of being at home and I'm already going crazy. It's not relaxing nor is it any fun...must seriously re-focus my happy thoughts.

il dolce stil nuovo

I read something really beautiful today. Currently I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert and she talks about why she went to Rome to learn Italian. Il dolce stil nuovo means "the sweet new style." I read it and instantly it brought a smile to my face. Change is what I take away from that phrase...the sweet new change.

Though she was talking about the origin of the Italian language as we now know it, I feel it applies to anything you wish it to. At this very moment, though many things are the same, many little things around me and in my life are changing. I'm constantly in flux and certainly basking in il dolce stil nuovo.

Living with my boyfriend is so new. Everything about it is new. We do nearly everything together, we eat together, clean together, go to the gym together, sleep together and my favorite, we wake up together every single morning. I'm loving every minute of it, even when it's difficult and we argue about the little things; when he leaves one plate in our empty sink I can't help but love him all over again for all the great things he does. He does our laundry and folds it without hesitation. He picks up groceries I don't even ask for when we don't go together just because he knows I like it or crave it. He lifts weights with me three times a week even though I slow down his workout routine. And these are all silly things, but they're tiny details. There's so much more than I can't put in words. He's constantly putting me first and that means more to me than a man who leaves one dish in the sink.

When I wake up in the morning and begin to open my eyes, I become fully conscious and feel his arms around me. Safety. Security.

L'mor che move il sole e l'altre stelle...
The love that moves the sun and the other stars.
- Dante Aligheri

If you don't already, go and seek il dolce stil nuovo though most times, it certainly seeks you.

Baby Fever

You know when you're old? When your entire weekend is packed with baby play dates and baptisms.

My nephew Darren James is so precious, when I don't see him during the weekdays I can't stop thinking about him. On weekends, my boyfriend and I make the trip up to Wauconda and spend the day with him yet somehow it's still not enough.

It's so funny and interesting to learn that you can watch babies do just about anything and be just in awe.

I could watch Darren sleep for hours and still not take my eyes off of him.

With my other sister pregnant, baby fever is in the air. And though babies are a welcome miracle, I'm personally nowhere near ready to want or have one.

It's a good thing we'll have two babies in the family this year...