Truth

"At the risk of sounding like a broken record, the problem with the young poet is that she’s an inexperienced feeler. So she makes all kinds of mistakes with people. Mostly herself." - Adrian Blevins

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." - Charles Dubois

Often I feel that people spend most of their lives trying to discover who they really are. I always scoffed at this idea, why wouldn't anyone know who they are? I never really understood this concept until I started practicing yoga. It's hard to explain because I always thought I knew who I was but now more than ever do I feel positive and confident in who I am. Practicing yoga everyday allows me to discover something new about myself everyday. And this discovery ranges from my ability to achieve a calm mind, my flexibility in certain poses, my concentration in balancing positions and overall my dedication to the practice. I've never felt so in tune with myself on every and all levels. Lately I wonder how I've lived without yoga as a staple in my life. When I'm in the studio and practicing on my mat, all my worries are set to the side of the mat. And I don't mean to sound all hippie and carefree, but when I'm working through my Vinyasa, I flow at my own pace, a pace and rhythm that truly brings me joy. Recently I've realized that in my life outside of yoga, I am actually holding myself back from being happy. And this holding back stems from daily choices to long term choices. There are a lot of people I chose not to let in because sometimes I fear I can't open up or allow them to see the real me. There are a lot of people who have this idea of the woman they think I am when inside I'm the exact opposite. The point I'm trying to get at is that with the help of yoga I know what I want at this point in my life and I'm going to get it. No more distractions or procrastinating, and most importantly, being scared is no longer an option. I finally understand that I deserve so much more than what I have right now, at this very moment and the only person that can change that is me. I wish everyone could find what makes them see and understand themselves in a way they haven't before, I wish everyone finds their own kind of yoga because I've never been happier than right now. I've never been more happy in who I am as a daughter, as a sister and as best friend and as a friend. And so, with the posting of this entry I just want to let all of you know that big changes are on the way. I'm dedicating myself to happiness and what it takes to attain it because finally (finally!) it's dawned on me that I deserve to be happy. And not just generically or temporarily happy, I mean as happy as I can possibly be. And in this process, I'm removing the excesses once again, a pre-Spring cleaning if you will. For starters, most of you who read my blog know I don't post as frequently, simply because in the last 5 or 6 weeks I've been going through these changes and didn't understand why or how I would or could explain that to you.

The bottom line is that I want to be the best version of myself, and to get there a lot of who I am now is going to go, unfortunately that includes stubborn habits, unhealthy solutions to long-term problems, and also several people that I currently surround myself with. The hardest part of letting go is the safety and security we feel in the truth that consistency brings us. Even if that consistency brings us a false truth, so many of us turn the other way because it's easier to do so. I've always been interested in understanding the human condition and in learning about it, I go back to my roots. I try to understand it from the other part of my life that brings me joy and self-discovery, and that is poetry. In my situation I've come to understand that my choices have been a maelstrom of quick-fixes, impulsive actions, illogical goals--all of which resulted in temporary happiness. A quote I've come to appreciate and live my life by explains that "Happiness is a conscious choice and not an automatic reaction." Of course, if you really think about it, happiness can be an automatic response to something or someone that brings us joy. But think about it on a deeper level, everyday we find it easier to dwell on the things we don't have or the aspects of our own lives that remain unfulfilled. By actively and consciously opting happiness, we can begin to see exactly what joys our lives are filled with and the people that make that possible. All I'm saying is that change begins and ends with you. And I'm choosing to break out of my pattern, I'm choosing to be happy, and for once I am choosing me. I mentioned earlier that to try to understand that human condition, I do so with poetry. I've already shared and cited this poem and author, but I think I've overlooked the most striking line, which is ironic since I never noticed it before even though it was written in significantly smaller font, is repeated twice and is also italicized. Again, it's Mónica de la Torre's poem, "Pattern Recognition." Interlaced throughout her poem and its stanzas of an existence driven solely by pattern, the lines read: (ll. 5, 13)

so strong is this hunger for pattern
that we see it even when it isn't there

The simple italization of those lines alone suggest her use for a specific poetic technique. This technique of setting an "aside," is usually noted by a set of parenthesis. In this case, she has chosen to italicize these lines and has set them in margins against the natural alignment of the poem itself. Visually, the lines immediately jump out at me, significantly breaking the pattern and working against it. By using this method of an aside, she speaks to herself on another level that goes unnoticed almost every time for those who don't know how to look it at. And until today, the lines went unnoticed.

We are so dependent in a habitual lifestyle that gradually we become drones--robotic, overworked and under-loved. And we settle because we can. But this time, I choose me. And trust me, I will not settle.

Lastly, there's a song that I listen to at least once every single day that I want to share with you. Life is crazy already and sometimes we get thrown into the chaos without ever knowing how to remove ourselves from it. This song has always brought me back to my center.

So, my apologies. The person who originally uploaded the video requested the disability to embed it, guess you just have to click here.

Without You

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this but I think since it hasn't left my mind that I should definitely try to let it out somehow. I had an interview yesterday morning in Des Plaines, the company was literally just a few miles down from the cemetery where my grandparents are buried. While leaving the interview I actually debated about stopping by their crypts (they didn't want to be buried in the ground and instead are resting in a private mausoleum). Part of me felt guilty for not having stopped by sooner or more frequently, the last time I was there was in the spring of last year, sometime around my birthday. Another part of me knew I couldn't handle it, going there and being by myself, alone with my thoughts and just so alone in every definition of the word. Maybe I was afraid of the silence, afraid the peacefulness of that spot. I decided to go and visit, pay my respects since I was already in the area, again feeling guilty of the "convenience" of the situation. Since their mausoleum is located off of a private road away from the main cemetery, I drove slowly around the bend. There must have been an inch of snow on the ground, nothing difficult to drive in. As I came around the bend I was going no more than 5 mph and was gliding along in neutral, my foot off of the gas. Suddenly and in slow motion, my car spun twice out of control, completing two 360's. I sat there with the gear shift in neutral and my hands in the air because no kind of counter steering would have prevented it. And in those few seconds that I was spinning I surprisingly found myself praying, talking to my grandparents who are no longer with me and this provided me with some kind of solace. I'm not religious by any means and I believe Catholicism is hugely flawed but I do believe in God and the idea that there is something more when we die. I am not going to get into that now but after that happened I regained control of my car and parked, grateful that there were no other cars or visitors nearby. As I walked to their crypts my legs were shaking, I doubt that I was in shock from the spin-outs but I felt oddly calm. Inside I felt a familiar stirring, I found it difficult to swallow and as I rounded the corner, tears streamed down my face--fresh, salty and warm. The pain in my heart grew and it felt empty without them, I felt empty without them, it was as if they had passed just yesterday. I put my tear-stricken face up to the frozen marble plaques where their names were side by side and felt so sad, the saddest I've felt in the longest time. After I left the cemetery I made my way back home and just felt so lost. No other feeling or experience can compare to losing someone you love, unfortunately I lost the both of them within a year of each other and I think in that time my heart hasn't healed, not sure really if it ever will. Ultimately I am grateful for the 20 years I've had with them, oftentimes I've forgotten that they raised me more so than my parents. My father was in the Philippines until I was about 7 or 8 and my mom was at work during the day and at DePaul every night, finishing her degree. My childhood memories consist of many days and nights with my grandparents and the safety, security and love I felt in the simple acts they showed me. The last memory and the last time I saw my grandmother was in a hospice center. She wasn't staying there permanently, she was moved there from the hospital for weekend observation. I followed her ambulance on Lake Shore Drive and my mind was clear, in front of me I could barely make out my mom's silhouette as she hovered over my grandma. I remembered thinking that this was it, that her time was almost here and there was nothing I could do to stop it. In her room, with an expired nursing tech certificate, I bathed my grandma in her bed and she smiled the entire time, thanking me incessantly as I held the warm sponge to her then yellow skin caused by her liver infection. In that moment the roles had reversed, as she had bathed me and cared for me as a child, it was my turn to take care of her and although it saddens me that she passed so soon after my grandpa, I'm also grateful it wasn't any longer because living without him was no life at all for her. And now I'm sad again, but I feel strangely better after having let that all out. All I'm saying is that telling the people you love that you love them whenever you get the chance isn't enough. Make the effort to tell them everyday, at least that's what I try to do because these moments turn into memories too quickly and the emptiness in our hearts will never be filled again.

Two Asians and a Webcam

Ew, I know what you were thinking! :)

I have the bestest friend a girl could ask for. That's all.

Happy Birthday siSTAR!

Sometimes I forget that my sister Czarina and I are 14 months apart in age. I feel like we're at completely different points in our lives, both of which are finely tuned to our personal likings. The other day I was thinking about school and how following after her in every grade was nothing short of difficult when we were younger. As if packed schedules of honors classes wasn't daunting enough, following in my sister's footsteps was an entirely separate challenge. The roll call at the beginning of class for every new year was always met with a hesitant, "...Gregorio? Natasha?" I'd nod of course, raise my hand and smile and answer the question that always proceeded that moment, "Yes, Czarina's sister." And every year I'd enter classrooms with the bar already set. The funny thing is, it wasn't only until recently that following my sister was actually an honor. At her wedding this past June I actually based my Maid of Honor speech on her perfection. And I didn't write it with blinders on or anything, I really do feel that way. Inside and out, to me she is without flaw and I'm lucky to have even been associated with such an honorable and studious academic reputation, at the very least.

Czarina turned 24 today! I woke up late this morning at quarter to 9 and jumped out of bed to make my 9 o'clock cardio kickboxing class. (I've made the commitment to go to the gym 6 days a week this year.) After that class finished I decided to stay for yoga at 10, thinking I'd have enough time to shower and get ready for her birthday lunch at Uncle Julio's. So mistaken. Instead of showering and changing I decided that buying an embarrassing display of balloons was more important. On a crazy time crunch, I literally twiddled my thumbs as the lady behind the counter slowly (we're talking sloth-like) inflated 12 latex balloons and 1 mylar balloon. I ran out of the store, carefully placed the gigantic balloon obstruction in my tiny car and sped home where I met my parents to head to the city. Needless to say, I rocked my yoga wear to Uncle Julio's. Oh yeah. Don't I look like I'm 12? See, not all women go to the gym with full on make-up. Eh. 

How cute is she? She begged for us not to sing in the middle of restaurant but anyone who knows my family knows that we live to embarrass one another and there is no room to negotiate otherwise.  She was mortified but she knows we love her. Happy Birthday TVB!

Since we were already in the area, the entire family split up and ran errands before meeting back at my sister's and Mike's apartment.  Not so much the Crate and Barrel fanatic, I decided to go to Blick with my brother where I wandered the aisles like a kid in a candy store.  I had to convince myself that I didn't need yet another Moleskine but...I decided to take up Watercoloring. Look at what all this free time is doing to me! So I bought some supplies and fancy watercolor paper in the hopes of exploring my creativity through painting.  Isn't that exciting? Oh and, I ordered a trial from Rosetta Stone to begin learning French. :)  There's so much I want to do and realized that there's no better time than right now to do them.  Ah, it's good to be unemployed. As long as I have my gym membership and my car, I'm a happy girl.