Tuesday, February 10, 2009


"At the risk of sounding like a broken record, the problem with the young poet is that she’s an inexperienced feeler. So she makes all kinds of mistakes with people. Mostly herself." - Adrian Blevins

Monday, February 9, 2009

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." - Charles Dubois

Often I feel that people spend most of their lives trying to discover who they really are. I always scoffed at this idea, why wouldn't anyone know who they are? I never really understood this concept until I started practicing yoga. It's hard to explain because I always thought I knew who I was but now more than ever do I feel positive and confident in who I am. Practicing yoga everyday allows me to discover something new about myself everyday. And this discovery ranges from my ability to achieve a calm mind, my flexibility in certain poses, my concentration in balancing positions and overall my dedication to the practice. I've never felt so in tune with myself on every and all levels. Lately I wonder how I've lived without yoga as a staple in my life. When I'm in the studio and practicing on my mat, all my worries are set to the side of the mat. And I don't mean to sound all hippie and carefree, but when I'm working through my Vinyasa, I flow at my own pace, a pace and rhythm that truly brings me joy. Recently I've realized that in my life outside of yoga, I am actually holding myself back from being happy. And this holding back stems from daily choices to long term choices. There are a lot of people I chose not to let in because sometimes I fear I can't open up or allow them to see the real me. There are a lot of people who have this idea of the woman they think I am when inside I'm the exact opposite. The point I'm trying to get at is that with the help of yoga I know what I want at this point in my life and I'm going to get it. No more distractions or procrastinating, and most importantly, being scared is no longer an option. I finally understand that I deserve so much more than what I have right now, at this very moment and the only person that can change that is me. I wish everyone could find what makes them see and understand themselves in a way they haven't before, I wish everyone finds their own kind of yoga because I've never been happier than right now. I've never been more happy in who I am as a daughter, as a sister and as best friend and as a friend. And so, with the posting of this entry I just want to let all of you know that big changes are on the way. I'm dedicating myself to happiness and what it takes to attain it because finally (finally!) it's dawned on me that I deserve to be happy. And not just generically or temporarily happy, I mean as happy as I can possibly be. And in this process, I'm removing the excesses once again, a pre-Spring cleaning if you will. For starters, most of you who read my blog know I don't post as frequently, simply because in the last 5 or 6 weeks I've been going through these changes and didn't understand why or how I would or could explain that to you.

The bottom line is that I want to be the best version of myself, and to get there a lot of who I am now is going to go, unfortunately that includes stubborn habits, unhealthy solutions to long-term problems, and also several people that I currently surround myself with. The hardest part of letting go is the safety and security we feel in the truth that consistency brings us. Even if that consistency brings us a false truth, so many of us turn the other way because it's easier to do so. I've always been interested in understanding the human condition and in learning about it, I go back to my roots. I try to understand it from the other part of my life that brings me joy and self-discovery, and that is poetry. In my situation I've come to understand that my choices have been a maelstrom of quick-fixes, impulsive actions, illogical goals--all of which resulted in temporary happiness. A quote I've come to appreciate and live my life by explains that "Happiness is a conscious choice and not an automatic reaction." Of course, if you really think about it, happiness can be an automatic response to something or someone that brings us joy. But think about it on a deeper level, everyday we find it easier to dwell on the things we don't have or the aspects of our own lives that remain unfulfilled. By actively and consciously opting happiness, we can begin to see exactly what joys our lives are filled with and the people that make that possible. All I'm saying is that change begins and ends with you. And I'm choosing to break out of my pattern, I'm choosing to be happy, and for once I am choosing me. I mentioned earlier that to try to understand that human condition, I do so with poetry. I've already shared and cited this poem and author, but I think I've overlooked the most striking line, which is ironic since I never noticed it before even though it was written in significantly smaller font, is repeated twice and is also italicized. Again, it's Mónica de la Torre's poem, "Pattern Recognition." Interlaced throughout her poem and its stanzas of an existence driven solely by pattern, the lines read: (ll. 5, 13)

so strong is this hunger for pattern
that we see it even when it isn't there

The simple italization of those lines alone suggest her use for a specific poetic technique. This technique of setting an "aside," is usually noted by a set of parenthesis. In this case, she has chosen to italicize these lines and has set them in margins against the natural alignment of the poem itself. Visually, the lines immediately jump out at me, significantly breaking the pattern and working against it. By using this method of an aside, she speaks to herself on another level that goes unnoticed almost every time for those who don't know how to look it at. And until today, the lines went unnoticed.

We are so dependent in a habitual lifestyle that gradually we become drones--robotic, overworked and under-loved. And we settle because we can. But this time, I choose me. And trust me, I will not settle.

Lastly, there's a song that I listen to at least once every single day that I want to share with you. Life is crazy already and sometimes we get thrown into the chaos without ever knowing how to remove ourselves from it. This song has always brought me back to my center.

So, my apologies. The person who originally uploaded the video requested the disability to embed it, guess you just have to click here.