Tuesday, December 1, 2009
if we say love /
we speak of many things
That line is taken from Sandra Cisneros' volume of poetry, My Wicked Wicked Ways from a piece entitled "I Understand it as a Kiss." The volume has been at my desk since my first day of work at my new job--at the beginning of October. From time to time I pick it up and thumb through it - when I need inspiration, when I need love, warmth, comfort or to just feel full - of all of these things or quite possibly something more.
I keep it at my desk at work as a reminder, no as a declaration - of who I am and what I do. It's very easy to fall into habits that aren't natural to you, it's easy to forget that these things, these daily minutiae aren't permanent nor are they definitive of who you are.
Truth be told I haven't written a single thing since my return from New York at the end of September. And though I feel guilty every waking moment for it, I've come to the realization that my life has not only turned upside down and inside out in the last three months, but it's been cut into a million pieces and placed back in a whole new order.
I'm in love. And like Sandra, I speak of many things.
My life as I knew it has changed, nothing remains the same though everything is seemingly just as it should be. I started my new job downtown in October, moved to Bucktown in November and here I am at the end of another year. In reflecting, I can't help but feel sad for what is gone, for what isn't mine and for what I'll no longer have. But in this sadness is love and my future and it's here and you better believe it's not going to wait for me to be ready.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
It's silly to say since my boyfriend and I are fairly young, but when I'm with him I feel so young at heart, so carefree and reckless. It's with him that I can unload my stresses while also holding both him and my stuffed Cookie Monster from NYC in my arms. Every day I don't think it can get better and it does.
Yesterday, a mutual friend of ours, a wonderful person and talented writer (Hi, Monica!) reminded me to keep on writing. She told me to document these moments, this early stage, this unrelenting happiness--because even if it doesn't last, falling in love is still and always will be the best feeling in the world.
My family and close friends know I'm not an affectionate person, it's just always been hard for me to show love and to also feel it. There are a lot of reasons why I struggled with this but he makes all of my worries simply irrelevant. We can't walk anywhere without holding hands and you know what, I can't stop kissing him.
The picture above was taken after a water fight we had spontaneously in the bathroom. I think it encompasses who are together, it makes me smile like a fool every time I see it. It's also my wallpaper on my phone and his contact photo so I see it when he calls. Whenever I get an incoming text I see it light up in the background and end up swooning all over again.
So this blog is for you Monica, I promise to remember these moments -- like that moment in the bathroom after our water fight, I promise to live in the now.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Happy is a term that doesn't quite encapsulate what I feel with all of these changes coming into play but I truly feel like many pieces are coming together. Every day I'm realizing just how blessed I am.
Not having been in a relationship in years it's exciting to learn more and more about one another together. I'm slowly adjusting to taking him into account in my own choices, understanding that what I do now affects him and vice versa. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to let another person into your life, to carefully begin to depend on them and have them to fall back on.
My boyfriend and I, having mutual friends before we started dating have received a ridiculous amount of personal messages from our friends and friends of friends who are more than thrilled that we're in a relationship. And it's such a mind boggling concept to me, when I still get them I don't know how to respond except with a polite "thank you." But then I realized, in our circle of friends and family - when two people come together the bond between the rest of us only gets stronger.
I'm not crazy or living with my head in the clouds - I'm very aware that this honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, but in the meantime we're going to soak it up. It's a weird feeling being in a relationship again, especially with someone (as my family jokes) "on the inside."
Everyday we're together I ask him one question, and it's a silly question but I feel that it's important. It's a question that doesn't necessarily need to be asked of your significant other but it's also a question that should never be assumed.
On Monday night, after eating dinner and after Gossip Girl finished, while Monday Night Football played before us, I turned to him and asked this one question: "Are you happy?"
Without hesitating and without giving me his standard variation of "Yes," or "So happy," he turned to me and said that he was the happiest he's ever been. Sometimes, a girl just needs to hear it even though she already knows the answer.
I am utterly and irrevocably delirious with happy.
It consumes me.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
- This weather. I absolutely love Fall, its brisk, refreshing winds, the cold mornings and warm days, followed again by chilly nights, perfect for cuddling.
- Running in this weather is prime for me, I love it!
- Stockings! I'm not sure if everyone loves stockings like I do, but I love having an array of colors ready for the season, Fall is the best season to accessorize!
- Journal 3831 looks freaking amazing, honestly, I cried a little at its contributions last week.
- First kisses are always great. That should have been first on my list. First kisses.
- NYC next weekend, I have a feeling it'll change my life.
- Sandra Cisneros' My Wicked, Wicked Ways
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The idea of 1000 Journals is pure genius, I cannot even describe the roller-coaster of emotions that I felt while watching the film based on the project of the same name.
Being the true Facebooker that I am, I extended the project to my own friends, real people who have personally touched my life.
I feel that this journal, my journal, journal #3831 will change people's lives. Though that's certainly not my goal by any means, I just want to offer my friends an opportunity to step outside of their safety zones. I want to them to explore their creative sides, to find the beauty in simplicity, to create and recreate, and to simply just do. Doing something, anything...is better than a blank white page. It's progress, a statement, a defiant middle finger to stasis and routine. I want them to leave their mark, on the page and in the world. More often than not we as individuals stay silent, avoid change and glide along with our mundane lives because we're too lazy or unmotivated to create change.
Journal #3831 will be my awakening, as an individual and as a writer. I too, have needed something to turn my world inside out and this project has come along for a reason, this reason. I hope it will help my friends and their friends (and quite possibly some strangers) to understand and appreciate the concept that any contribution is meaningful. A collaborative effort is needed in order for this to really get anywhere and I'm so flattered by all of the feedback, emails, comments and messages I've received for this 3831 project.
With my sincerest apologies, I have to admit that I've been a little under the weather and so this journal has not yet been started. I do plan on stopping in my nearest Blick Studio to pick up a journal and promise that by Monday, August 31st, the first recipient will be notified that 3831 is en route.
I've also just decided on what my contribution will be to 3831 and can't think of a more perfect time and place to share it. I'm beyond excited, really.
My biggest fear, my only fear, is that 3831 will be lost, stolen or forgotten about. Although I control the mailing list and ultimately its location, I cannot always track it. Participants have one week to keep it to themselves and in this week they can share it with a loved one, a friend, a coworker, whomever - it's all a part of the spirit of the 1000 journals project so who am I to argue? As much as it scares me, it's how it has to happen, and it's time I learn to have a little faith.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
- I switch purses rather frequently, maybe 3 times a week and all three times this week I found random stashes of cash in all of my clutches.
- "When you move out, you're going to need practically everything." My friend told me this recently, she moved out months ago was preparing me for when I move out. Slowly but surely I've been furnishing my non-existent apartment, it might even be a smart idea to get storage space so I don't have to clutter all my finds at home. There are two important pieces I'm going to be very careful selecting, my bookshelf and my desk. Both of these items are more important than a bed and must thoughtfully be chosen. My book collection is probably my most prized possession, it grows every week and holds significant memories and sentiments. My writing desk will be in my bedroom since I've decided that I don't want to have a tv in there. Plus there are so many things I need for my desk, but don't even get me started. All I really need are my books. And hello major tangent! It's wonderful to discover your taste and style through furnishing your own place. Surprisingly enough, I've picked up a lot of African and Mexican pieces and cannot wait to see what it will look like once I'm finished. The goal is to apartment shop in November with my eager and willing sisters accompanying me and sign a lease by December. I can't wait!
- I bought a ticket to NYC for next month. I'm tired of saying I want to do all these things and watch as time passes me by. I'm young and healthy, there's no time like now and I refuse to keep making excuses for myself. Albeit bad timing what with having to save for an apartment and all, I figured this would be my second to last big expense. Yes, I rationalize with myself.
- The last big ticket item on the list before I go hardcore frugal is....my MacBook Pro which I'm buying next month too. I was torn forever between an iMac and the MacBook but ultimately decided right now I am needing portability. I still do plan on also getting an iMac eventually, maybe in the distant future.
- My UIC student ID doesn't expire until December 2010, I don't know how that happened but I'm totally going to holler at that student discount @ the Apple store. If that doesn't work, I can use a "teacher discount" for working at a performing arts academy, so no complaints here.
- Shu Uemura eyelash curlers.
- OPI's Fall 2009 Espana collection, of which I have already picked up 2 bottles. (Give Me Moor! and Manicurist of Seville).
- Training began this morning, I don't really need to train for the Hot Chocolate Run in November, I'm just trying to incorporate more cardio into my daily routine. It feels good to be running outside again.
- Aloha Eats is a wonderful restaurant that surprisingly, was more down to earth than I imagined. Highly, highly recommend the Spam Musubi.
- My next tattoo I think might be my favorite, it's two lines of poetry for which I've already selected the script for. It's my second to last ink and I'm not sure if I'm more nervous or excited about getting this one. It's by far the biggest tattoo I'll have done but again, I'm deciding on how big the font should be, I keep going back and forth with it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
to cross over love, this poem waits for you
to cross over, to cross over love
this poem waits for you to crossover
too crossover, too, love
Friday, June 26, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
who would’ve have been
your safe bet or worse,
your sure thing.
I’ve loved and love but
is there a difference
between having loved
To know anything by heart
is a false accusation.
I was a woman
I was an
an in between,
this, but decidedly
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Although I can't pinpoint every single reason why, I know that a great deal of my happiness is the solidity of my family, more specifically my sister, Czarina.
To cut right to the point, we journeyed over to Molly's (I'm laughing as I've just realized that picture above is obviously from a family wedding many years ago but I start this story with how we went to Molly's. Disclaimer: That picture is not us at Molly's. LOL!) to satiate our pangs for something sweet, plus I really needed a break from Alliance. We got our cupcakes, grabbed a table and started to talk. And I mean really talk. My sister and I talk all the time, if we're not together we still manage to talk either on the phone or though e-mail. I'm sure this sounds ridiculous but I'm constantly searching for her approval, not because I don't trust my own instincts, but because letting her down is my greatest fear.
I am without words when it comes to describing the kind of person that she is, she is the heart of our family but she is my lifeline. I don't know what came over me today at Molly's but I told her something no one knew. I told her of my one and only regret in life. Sure, you'll say I'm 23 and too young to have regrets but I doubt you've done what I have. It was like that moment in the movie "Mean Girls," when Lindsay Lohan's character experiences "word vomit." Something just came over me and I felt that she just needed to know. It was an experience that I think about almost never that when it does cross my mind I question whether or not it really happened. What's hardest I think was that it happened last August, and not when I was 17 and stupid. I knew better, I knew much better and that made the reality of it impossible to come to terms with.
It's funny though how fiction and reality can be so closely interlaced, perhaps I wished for it to unhappen so often that sometimes I believe myself and forget. Regardless, when I told her (after we had both cried for an entirely separate reason from this, and yes we cried inside the bakery) she responded as I knew she would. She didn't try to tell me that she understood or that everything would be okay. She kept it real, which is so hard to find in people nowadays, but I admire that she's always so straight with me. She is the last person I want to tell things to and the first person I want to tell things to if that makes sense. But to have someone in my life who inspires me everyday is nothing short of amazing. On my worst days she still sees the best of me and drives me to reach my potential.I know that my family and the relationship we have is not normal, sometimes I forget we didn't grow up together because we are so closely knit. But at the same time, the relationships we have with each other both together and individually are what gives me my greatest happiness in life. I also will tell you that a significant part of why I can't share myself or let anyone in--and I mean really in relationship wise, is because I've known I could never love someone who didn't feel the same way about their family. I'll sacrifice a lot of things for love, but I'll never sacrifice them.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The most shocking experience happened today when a man in my building entered the elevator with his son who was furiously pressing buttons. I'd met him a couple times before either in the lobby or the elevator and all of our neighborly interactions were nothing short of cordial. I smiled at him and his son and he apologized and I insisted he not worry about it even though I was running a little late to work. A few moments later he turned to me and asked if I had any children. He must have thought I was crazy because I'm not sure what kind of look I gave him, but it took me a moment to process what he had just asked me. After re-asking him what he had asked me, he said, "Yes, do you have any children of your own?" I smiled politely, personally confused...but answered that no, I didn't have any. Enter awkward silence. So I'd imagine that most people would leave it at that but this man was something special. He then proceeded to ask, "Do you want kids?" By now I was thankful that we'd reached the lobby since I wasn't sure how to answer his question with his 4 year old son in front of us. Was I supposed to honestly answer him and tell him that no, I wasn't planning on having kids at least not in the near future?
I opted for just telling him that I was far too young to even consider children at my age, when I told him I was 23 he looked a little embarrassed and reassured me that he was old enough to be my father and apologized for all the questions and then felt the need to explain himself. Apparently he felt awkward because he was 36 (I don't know what kind of math he was doing in his head for him to think he was old enough to be my father), a single dad looking to start dating again. And apparently I looked like the woman he wanted to ask out. I told him that I was flattered (not really but it was the nice thing to say), but not looking to date at the moment so that he didn't feel like he was a creeper for politely hitting on me. Oh, just when you don't think it could get any worse this conversation was one that disproved that theory. Let's hope not to run into each other on the elevator anymore. I'm almost motivated to start taking the stairs.
Friday, May 8, 2009
That got me thinking about my list of likes, the things or moments that I like that probably no one else would ever guess about me. I watched the movie almost a month ago and since then have been compiling a list, this is what I have so far, I hope to keep this list and see it grow.
- I like hard gummy bears that require a bit of chewing. Haribo gummy bears are my favorite, sometimes I'll throw the bag in the freezer for little less than 10 minutes.
- I like to open my eyes for just a moment when I'm kissing someone I deeply care about, just to see the way they kiss me, the look on their face, to see if maybe just maybe, they feel the exact same way.
- I like to end every yoga practice with an inversion, that extra rush of blood to the head before savasana is exhilarating.
- I like to sleep in lingerie on a random night even if I'm by myself. I believe it's important to feel sexy even without a man.
- I like the sound a rubber band makes when you loop it once, then twice around a small but hard piece of paper, ie ticket stub.
- I like the way lightning flashes erratically into a darkened room, exposing quick yet uncertain moments of clarity.
- I like the slow, fatal burn of a cigarette.
- I like eating a bowl of blackberries with a glass of Riesling after dinner.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Flowers by BORN
Irving Park pages of a tattered book
this, no my, biography is easily
recalled like a finger on page follows
Alone in my car eyes fixed on red, stopped
as cracked windows welcome breezes from
my childhood, strapped in the backseat of
my grandfather's car.
Scattered plastic footballs, open carton of
golden happiness with "M" handled handles,
pigtailed sectioned hair blows freely. A
smile the kind of love not unloved.
Eyes fixed on red fixes on green, gas. West
Coast Video blurs to a Block, the H&R kind
of Block. Crossing Kedzie nearing Kimball, red
3336 W. Irving Park Road cracks in the side
walk stained crimson, cracks of head against
pavement, the Friday of that week lasted
longest, spilling in an isosynchronous Saturday
too soon. Flowers by BORN, what's in a name?
Eddies of cracks course vein-like through
city streets. Breaks in concrete print in unknown
fonts on blank pages unscripted.
I'm not sure if it's appropriate to say your death was beautiful. Or perhaps, it was ironic, but there's beauty in irony isn't there? I don't know if I should cry or smile because you had plans to garden that day, or because it was Earth Day, or because you suffered a fatal heart attack right outside a florist.
You're a part of the reason for the lotus on my back, a reminder that through the mud and dirt, you've always seen me through, and I owe it to you to flourish.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I can feel the wine in my
thighs, calming no numbing
my heart, like how you used to.
I wish I could walk away--with you or
truth in the mirror and I
do not know my own reflection, am I
a lie? I want to ask the questions,
or rather question the answers instead,
I want to unravel you so you
might just come undone and taste
the wine on my tongue for
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Personally, I've written several poems with these translation styles and have come to find that it's just as, if not more than difficult as writing a poem in my first language, English. The only difference with a translatory reworking is that sometimes there are no words that express the original sentiment. For example, there are words or phrases in Tagalog that have no English equivalent and to rework a poem written in that language leaves you with gaps. In my last poetry workshop class as an undergrad, I once wrote a homophonic translation of a poem written in Polish. The original version was short, I think a little less than 10 lines and I rewrote it in the exact same form, line for line. Honestly, it was an amateur attempt on my behalf, but admittedly it was fun. The words were already there for me, but unfortunately my words for those words sounded forced and jagged, probably because I don't speak Polish and mispronounced the poem entirely. It's a great exercise though, I highly recommend it. The only thing I can caution you against is using too many proper names, a quick solution for rewriting any foreign language. Once my homophonic translation was complete, I translated the Polish poem word for word and discovered that my version of the poem had absolutely nothing to do with the original. Some people like to translate the original before rewriting it but I need to write blind, completely oblivious of its meaning otherwise I find my version loosely echoing the original.
I've been entertaining the idea of using another approach to translation poetry, one which would involve me writing a poem in Tagalog. I can fully comprehend Tagalog and can speak it fairly well (save for my "American" accent), but having picked up the entire language from my siblings who spoke it everyday around me nearly 17 years ago, my take on writing in the language is nothing but baffling to me. Obviously you don't know this, but I was the only one among my siblings born in the states. When we first met, I didn't speak Tagalog and they didn't speak English yet. The barriers of language allowed for little to no successful communication, but still we found a way. And that's what I hope to do if ever I get around to writing a poem in Tagalog.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
"A person with moha (delusion) gets attached to an object while completely overlooking all the faults of the object."
-Yoga Beneath the Surface, Srivatsa Ramaswami
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from.
-"Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk
This is going to sound ridiculous and vain but I think part of the reason why I'm feeling more and more like myself is because my hair is growing. I know it's a ludicrous statement, but to a woman, any woman, hair is a big part of who we are as individuals. Short, mid-length, long, permed, dyed, you name it, we all place a high value of identity in our hair...which brilliantly explains why I need to change mine so frequently. I honestly think I suffer a mini-identity crisis from time to time and the most accessible, most drastic change I can make is with my hair. I can't really explain why it means so much to me but right now I'm in a different place. My hair is dark brown, not yet black, and about six inches past my shoulders. And everyday I wake up and notice it growing I feel like I'm back, back where I need to be, like I found center. Aside from important social occasions, I barely wear any make up. This entire week I've worn nothing but glasses and mascara, and lip conditioner only because it's been cold and my lips chap easily. I'm not saying I wasn't myself when my hair was short but let's not all forget the reason why I chopped a foot of hair off in the first place back in 2006, I'll call it a mild identity crisis. Ever since then my hair has grown but I've been cutting it along the way, having made the decision to finally grow it out (and stop coloring it) my hair is the longest it's been in three years. And I feel amazing, inside and out. I'm not insane, I promise, but hair is something you have to be patient with, and I'm not a patient person, nor am I conservative, hence my stints of pink and blond hair! But I will say this, it's rare that I feel beautiful on the outside, and as my hair grows a little longer in its natural shade I see and feel my beauty more often. I think it's because I look natural, how I used to look before all the crazy hairstyles, I'm back to where I started. And it's funny because society would deem that as a step back, a retraction, a moment of weakness and unoriginality. I see it as quite the opposite, I'm finally back to a place where I don't need to outwardly express myself with my hair, or otherwise. And let me tell you, it feels good to be back in my own skin, it feels good to be home.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
- I think it's really funny that when I have time to write I have nothing to write about. On days when I have so much to say I have no time to write it down, much less blog. In the "Notes" application on my iPhone you'll find lists of random quotes that I've come across at different times, call numbers for my favorite books in the library, or phrases I've overheard in public, and even songs I've just discovered. In other words, my iPhone is my stand-in Moleskine.
- I lost my glasses last summer, I think the last time I had them knowingly in my possession was back in July. After re-doing my entire bedroom I was sad but not shocked to find that they were still missing after having looked everywhere. When I do my laundry for some reason I get caught up in trying on my clothes. Seriously, hours can be lost in this process, especially since I haven't been able to wear a dress/skirt in months. I have a hanging shoe rack in my closet where most of my pumps are tucked safely away (I don't have enough closet space for the boxes so only the special shoes stay in boxes). As I put on a strapless, maroon, mini-dress I reached for my brown gladiators from the rack. I put them on to complete the ensemble while also reaching for a belt stuffed into the shoe rack. As I did this, I removed my glasses (an older pair from 2005) and placed them into the slot the belt was in. I walked over to my mirror and had a sheer moment of clarity. It was such a habit, whenever I would try on clothes or try to get dressed I took off my glasses and placed them in my hanging shoe rack. I walked back to my closet and sure enough, nestled next to my blue, Charles David pumps, lay my glasses! I guess it's true, when you stop looking for something it will find you. Dear friends, if you hear me say I've lost my glasses, please make sure I check near my shoes!
- I'm taking up naked yoga. My instructor has mentioned classes where chocolate is eaten throughout the practice (little bites, not entire bars) and it's supposed to heighten all of your senses. Well, I've heard the exact same argument for naked yoga. Lately I've considered joining a private yoga studio aside from my gym since I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp on the basics and even some of the advanced moves. Physically and spiritually I need to change my yoga routine and so I've decided to practice naked. Instead of spending my mornings in class, I'm going to practice naked yoga in my bedroom and then head to the gym at night for cardio. I'm really excited about naked yoga, although I do wish I had private access to hardwood floors.
- Apparently a handful of my family members read my blog, most of which I knew about but until recently I've discovered a lot more of them do than I originally knew of. My initial reaction was shock, then I was rightly mortified. I don't hide who I am from my family, but my family from out of state (and overseas!) don't really know who I am. And suddenly my mind was flooded with over-emotional blog posts, personal and sexually-driven poems, and well...naked yoga. And then I realized, this is me, take it or leave it. And it is really something that in this day and age my grandmother's brother in Manila can read my blog and e-mail me nothing but wonderful things. And it's flattering to receive a message from my aunt on LinkedIn saying how proud she is of me after having read my blog. And I have nothing to do now but keep on writing, for myself and for them.
- I want another tattoo. Recently, my friend Beatriz asked me several questions about my tattoos since she was planning on getting her first one. In turn, I asked her about her piercings since I've been planning on getting one as well. I think when people see my tattoos or ask why I want another one, they simply just don't understand why. Yes, tattoos are obviously a statement of personality and individuality but I could never fully explain my reasoning for wanting them properly. And she said quite beautifully, that she feels like sometimes her outside doesn't look how she'd imagined it should. And that's more than I can say really, I wish for my outside to match my inside, the beauty and the pain, my own self-expression. I think this third tattoo may be my last one, it will also be the smallest. Or maybe the same size as my infinity tattoo. It's going to be the number 4 in roman numerals on my inner left ankle. I don't know when I'll do it, but you'll be the first to know dear readers.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Second, the past week has been so crazy in preparation for this Sunday's Shamrock Shuffle. I'm a mess of emotions right now, this is my first official run, something I signed up for based solely on impulse...and perhaps the slight coaxing of my sister in law. I can't believe two months have passed since I signed up for the Shuffle. No amount of running or personal training could have prepared me any more than right now, if I'm not ready now I'll never be. I'll tell you one thing though, I can yoga (yes, I'm using it as a verb) anyone into the ground, but running on Sunday is messing with my mind. I can do 75 minutes of non-stop yoga but 75 minutes of steady running...I don't know. Obviously the challenge is in trying new things and I'm all about challenging myself. Our theatre director here just scolded me today about not telling her I was running the Shuffle sooner because her cardiologist-husband would have given me a running mask. You know, the ones that make you look like you're about to rob the place. Anyways, she was really concerned about how cold it's going to be and stressed the importance of "moist air" for my inhale, which I definitely understand. One of the parents overheard the conversation and jumped in, doling out helpful advice. I'm so psyched for the Shuffle and it feels amazing to have so much support. Ugh, let me just rant though, I spent FOUR HOURS shopping for a running outfit and still don't understand why Nike only has "L" and "XL" sizes available in almost all of their cute running tanks. Absolutely frustrated, I have a full Nike outfit with a Victoria's Secret running top, take that Nike. Moving on...
The one thing I absolutely LOVE about my job is that I'm surrounded by children every single day. They have so many questions and no amount of answers ever seem to be enough for them. "Miss Tasha, why are you running on Sunday? What's it for? Does it raise money for something good?" I have a group of girls who religiously arrive to the studio early just to talk to me before class. They crowd around my desk, ask to play with my iPhone and for some reason are fascinated with my calendar. "Miss Tasha, why do you have so much yoga scheduled? Miss Tasha, who is Justin and why are you having dinner with him at 8pm?" One of the instructors and I were talking about this and she suggested I implement a new rule. Everyday the girls get three questions, if they ask three questions that's all they get and they have to save their questions for the following day. I haven't had to use it yet, but I imagine it's because they're just excited about spring break.
On the upside, the girls are so supportive and insightful, especially at such a young age. I share aspects of my life with them (all appropriate) and they just can't get enough, sometimes I feel like they can give me the most honest opinions because their minds are so uncontaminated.
I've been reading The Path to Enlightenment and the first thing I learned is that an uncontaminated or ignorant mind is the most powerful apparatus for retaining knowledge. It'd be like starting your life from scratch, without memory or sin, able and willing to fully absorb the abundance of life. Children are so free, in their thoughts, words, and actions. It's hard to distinguish the point in our lives where all that changes, when we stop asking questions because our pride gets in the way or because we're afraid of putting our hearts on the line. Children have it so easy, no worries, commitments or responsibilities. And it's funny because they think we have it all. We have our nice cars, expensive phones, and no curfews. It's easy to want something when you know you can't have it, that's half the desire right?
Hmm, maybe I won't enforce the three-question rule. I love that they ask questions, they really should keep asking questions, and who am I to stop them?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
When I woke up at 4am to the birds chirping in the trees, I got to thinking about the noise in my life. The racket drowned out what was most important, me. Somewhere in between the summer of weddings, finishing school in the fall, and the birds singing this morning, it was Spring again. And I almost failed to notice.
Had the noise in my life been that loud? Or was I too distracted to tune it out?
Spring is a time for rebirth and new beginnings but lately I've been feeling like I'm just back where I started, no growth, no progress, just the same old Tash. As much as I loved the clamor in my life this past year, things have got to change because I don't want to be here, in this exact same place, next year. Slowly, one by one as any fine tuning job would, I've been eliminating the superfluous minutiae from all around me.
If you haven't already noticed, one of those aspects is Facebook. I'm not going to explain why I deleted it because well, it just doesn't concern you. But although Facebook is an excellent tool for social networking and "staying in touch," I really cannot rationalize with talking to people through comments on a regular basis and not physically spending time with them altogether. I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't promise that I'll never come back to Facebook, but in the foreseeable future it's just not for me.
The noise that is the hardest to drown out, mute, or even lower altogether is the constancy and loudness of my heart, of what it wants, needs and can't have. When I write I let go and it's the only instance in my life where my head is overruled by my stupid heart and I write what I feel, without thinking, without second guessing myself, without worry. It's the weirdest thing because I have difficulty reading my words. When I've written a poem, a journal entry, or even blog entry, I can't go back and read it for a week or a month. For some reason I feel like what I'm trying to say gets lost in translation, and although the beauty is in the attempt...I'm still usually unsatisfied. And I know that is a huge problem that I need to face and come to terms with because I need to be able to recognize myself in words, not just in thoughts. And that's where finding my voice comes into play. If I want others to be able to hear me, I have to first hear myself. And I just can't do that with all the noise that used to drown me out.
For where I'm at in my life right now I just want to...need to find my voice again, in life and especially in writing. Those of you who don't really know me will probably assume that I'm suffering from some dark and dramatic inner turmoil, but it's actually just the opposite. I feel like I can breathe again. And it's not that I can't balance the noise in my life, I don't think there's any reasonable balance for that. It's just that I want to clearly hear the music that's important to me as well as the static in between.
In the meantime, I will admit that Facebook withdrawal is keeping me highly entertained because parts of the day go by and I still find myself thinking in status-updates. For example, today went a little something like this...
Natasha just decided what mixtape to run to for the Shamrock Shuffle.
Natasha (in the past three days) has watched seasons 4, 5 and 6 of Sex and the City.
Natasha is trying to be less connected and isn't sure why she has an iPhone, FML.
Natasha still needs to renew her U.S. Passport or she can say adios to the ticket to Mexico.
Natasha cannot wait for the season premiere of My Boys...c'mon, c'mon.
Natasha has a stack of foreign (mostly Korean and Italian) films waiting for her when she gets home.
Natasha should really get back to work!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
-The Dalai Lama, The Path to Enlightenment