That's the first thing I wrote down upon reflecting on my feelings at this very moment. Those thoughts of struggling have played repeatedly in mind these past few days, weeks even. As a matter of fact, I can still hear the faint echoes of those very words. They're only drowned out by more of my own constant questioning. When I close my eyes I hold back tears. It seems all of my options lately, no matter how extreme or proactive I try to be, are rejected. And I'm left wondering what the purpose of all this is. I don't know what I want, all I know is that I want to be happy.
I allude of course to the struggle of finding a job nowadays. Now I never imagined or dreamed that I was ever going to put my degree in English to good use, but I just was not prepared for how discouraging life after undergrad would be. I know a lot of us are in the same boat and I just can't imagine what the purpose is for all of these challenges. Sure, blame the economy okay but I have to believe that there's a bigger picture here. Since graduating in December, I've yet to find a job and everyday is getting harder. I remind myself to be grateful for all things I do have, my health, a supportive family, my writing.
And also I'm grateful for amazing friends. I met May in my freshman year at UIC in Spanish class. She was Filipina, and an English major. Already I was taken aback, impressed. I was an intended-nursing major then, not yet sure of who I was or what I wanted. She was in her final semesters at UIC when we first met. I remember just every conversation being real, refreshing, no bullshit, here was an individual whose light shines through words and conversation. It was after that first semester, after having met May, that I switched my major to English. Before coming to UIC I never realized a degree in English was even an option (not literally of course, I was more concerned with what my parents would think).
And through the years we've still managed to stay in touch and she's still the wonderful individual I knew when I was 18. Only now her light shines brighter because she radiates happiness and love, she got married and might I mention is the mother to a beautiful baby boy, whose first name is James, middle name Austen. Amazing, I tell you.
We've been emailing back and forth because I'm a mess and needed to reach out to someone who has been in my situation, who knows what this struggle is really like. To keep you up to date, I made the hasty decision of going back to school and renewing my CNA/PCT certification and do that work in the meantime, I've even been considering continuing on with an ADN. My initial thoughts on all of this have been somewhat muted and its times like these when I know I cannot rely on myself. After discussing this decision with my more than supportive parents, I thought I could really follow through. When I opened my email this morning, May had shared with me her input about my dilemma.
"If I were in your shoes though, young, beautiful, and single-- If it is in you to go back to school then do it because you enjoy it, not because you're struggling for a job. In the end the goal is not to have regrets. So if you feel that this will better your future then do it. Everyone's struggling in this economy so don't let that get you down. Things will improve. Happiness is key. No matter what you struggle with- job, money, school, etc- if at the end of the day you can breathe a sigh of relief and still smile, then I say you're on the right track! With anything you do just make sure it's worth it -- again FOR YOU! "
In two emails she'd managed to summate everything I already knew. Happiness is key, why is being happy always so difficult for me? Here is someone I don't see everyday, well we haven't seen each other in years, but she just got me. I don't believe in a lot of things, fate or destiny, no. I believe more than anything that seldom do we meet people in our lives that we make connections with, people who just see you for you. But reaching out when you need them and having them reach back for you truly is a gift. I believe that May is one of these individuals and I am blessed to have her in my life. Thank you!
Happiness is key.
Happiness is key.
Happiness is key.
As far as this going back to school situation is concerned, I've decided to put off any more drastic decision making for tomorrow. The second opinion which is almost as important as mine belongs to my sister, Czarina. Last night on the phone when I mentioned all of this to her she said that although she was happy for me for making my own way, another way, she feared that maybe "my heart won't be full" if I followed through with this plan. And I also fear that she may be right. But that's another blog for another day. I'll figure out my mess later tonight when I see my sister, she freakishly somehow always knows what's best for me...or at least what's best for me AND in line with what I want.