When I walked into my studio right at 6:00am, the sky was dark, the room was warm but almost heavy. It was just my instructor and four other women who participated and we aligned ourselves in front of the floor to ceiling windows, ready to welcome the sun. As we transitioned through numerous poses, my instructor kept repeating one question, "Ask yourself what you want to let go from the Winter and what you want to hold on to and see blossom in the Spring?" I smiled inside, knowing the answer to both questions.
One of the reasons for performing the 108 poses is in due part to represent all 108 feelings. "Some say there are 108 feelings: 36 related to the past, 36 related to the present, and 36 related to the future." And I loved the idea of that, I'm really inspired with growth and transcendence, nothing can come of nothing. Throughout the two-hour practice I experienced many emotions, most of which were honestly unexpected. I mentioned that the room was heavy in the very beginning, it was a dark and closed-off space emotionally. As we progressed through the poses, spring cleaning if you will, the room opened up to us, the sun rose and you just were incapable of not feeling this overwhelming change. While holding an extended pigeon I specifically remember feeling the heaviness of this past winter and all the changes it brought, all of lessons I learned and also the hurt I endured. I felt sad, bitter, regretful...and realized how much of that I had inflicted on others.
And suddenly it just didn't matter anymore. I put my head down and reached my arms forward and silently shed a single tear, letting go.
I realized that I've lost track of myself again, and with that a lot of adjustments will be made in all aspects of my life. I don't believe that my life is on any one path but I do know that I've given so much of myself in the last year and have almost next to nothing to show for it. And that saddens me but at the same time, you just have to accept everything as it is because nothing that has been done can be undone. It's seems like a simple idea in theory but to actually let it sink in and to let it into your open heart takes more strength and wisdom than I've ever known before now. Relationships, all relationships, even the one we have with ourself is a delicate balance of give and take. You have to take care of yourself because sometimes you'll find yourself alone, even with a loving a family, a significant other, and a handful of friends, you'll still feel lonely and you're the only person that will look after you when that happens.
Needless to say, celebrating the Spring Equinox is an experience I'll never forget. I learn new things everyday, especially from my practice of yoga and because of it I learn more and more about who I am as an individual apart from the entire world. The entire session was restorative and emotionally awakening for me, I only wish there's something in your lives that can make you feel this way as well because everyone deserves to bask in it, even for just a moment.
And with that, I'll leave you with the intention I set for today's practice. It was the mantra that I kept repeating and promising silently to myself: "Open your heart."