Culmination

With 2008 coming to a close, I can't help but begin to feel a little nostalgic. I have to say that this has been the most transitional year in my life thus far and I'm terrified to see it go. Yes, terrified.

For so many years and by default, my life ran on a cycle which revolved mainly around school. I knew of nothing else. And upon the completion of my college career just a few weeks ago, my life now seems out of control. I've enjoyed the freedom of doing all the things I want on my own time but it's all beginning to feel too liberating. And I don't know if it's odd to complain about having so much free time but I've never been one to just "go with the flow." I have always been a creature of habit and needed some semblance of order in my life. Lately I feel like everything and everyone around me is moving at a set pace while I watch my life tread by in slow motion. There's nothing like it really, and I can't really describe it any more than I already have.

When I was in school I whined about finishing and needing a break and now that I'm out of school I feel that I'm suffering a fate much worse. And it doesn't help that the job market (in my field especially) is not doing well. I imagined myself to have a month-long break and then jumping right back into the mix, but that's not looking very promising at this juncture. I'm currently entertaining the idea of finding some consulting work just for a change of scenery. I need something in my life to change because I'm starting to get a little stir crazy.

You know it's funny when I started to write this blog I had no intention of it sounding negative but it's not until I really begin to write that I realize what is nagging me. On a lighter note, I really am looking forward what 2009 will bring, although I actually believe we bring the things we want in life to ourselves. I don't believe in luck, fate or destiny. I believe in hard work, ambition and determination. Nothing like a little affirmation to turn the blog positive eh? God I hope I get out of this funk soon.

How about a quick recap of my favorite 2008 moments in pictures?

JANUARY 2008: I bought my car, not sure why there's no snow on the ground.

FEBRUARY - MARCH 2008: I don't have any pictures on here without accessing my Facebook and you all know how I feel about that. Plus, I didn't take a lot of pictures on my birthday because it was a gigantic mess thanks to my insane ex-boyfriend.

APRIL 2008: The realization of the pointlessness of clubbing, the amusement that gravity brings, and double wedding shower madness.

MAY 2008: My sister Michaela's bachelorette celebration, rehearsal dinner and wedding! She's an Azul now!

JUNE 2008: My sister Czarina's bachelorette celebration festivities and her wedding, she's a Carden now!


JULY 2008: The Taste with my best friend, feeding duckies before eating again round 2 and turkey legs...also the 3rd annual B & W Party.

AUGUST 2008: The very last first-day of school for Jacky and I!

SEPTEMBER 2008: Best friend and Mom's birthdays!

OCTOBER 2008: Chilly weather = scarves and light coat season! Can you tell this is beginning to be a lot of work?

NOVEMBER 2008: Soliciting Fran at work, gingerbread house making and Thanksgiving!

DECEMBER 2008: I've been a little preoccupied so the only picture I have from this month is that one that I took yesterday (of my new boots with my new camera!). Happy New Year's, I look forward to the stream of mass texts tomorrow night!

Fragment

(Below are the ending stanzas of a poem I wrote, it's titled but I don't want to give away too much so I left it out. I also left out the very last stanza because it's the most significant and intimate stanza of the poem and I'm not ready to share it, not sure I'll ever be. I've been in the most peculiar mood lately and instead of straining for something to write void of any passion, I figured this would be more than enough for now for those of you who have been bugging me to blog.)



...entangled under
heavy sheets, suffering an incapacity
to rise. (I had the overwhelming need
to taste you then.)

Omphalic falsities forgotten or
perhaps manipulated. We were an inexorable
fate, essential yet appealed.

Ferromagnetic moments.

Finished

In the fall of 2004, I walked into UIC as an intended nursing major. On Wednesday night, I walked out an English major. Every moment leading up to that very day was filled with anticipation, excitement and apprehension. And now that Wednesday has come and gone, I can't believe I'm finally done with school. I distinctly remember filling the bubbles in on my Scantron for my last final happening in slow motion, the pencil circling each letter in slow, graphite swirls. Walking off of the campus for the last time was surreal as well, like placing the last piece of a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle in its respective, vacant slot.

Needless to say, I'm ten kinds of happy right now. I also want to thank everyone for their unwavering support in my days as an undergrad, I couldn't have done it without you.

Now to be brutally honest, I don't know what to do with myself. Everyone close to me is begging me to take a break, reminding me of the whirlwind that has been the past twelve months of non-stop school and work. But I can't help but to want to stay busy, to stay focused, organized and planned. For the past twelve months, it's all I've known. And we can't forget my poor day-planner with color coded events specifying my work schedule, essay due dates, even down to my workout schedule. That day-planner is completed, it being the end of the year and all. Which by the way, where did the time go? Lately it feels every time I look forward to something it arrives almost too soon and I'm left wishing it hadn't happened so fast.

I've applied for several jobs so hopefully I'll be busy again soon, hopefully not too soon. But I will say this, it feels amazing to be done with school and finally be the proud owner of Bachelor's Degree. It feels amazing to plan my weekends for me, and not for working on essays, projects or presentations. I love waking up and not having to rush out the door, and although I won't do it, I love that I have the option to spend whole days in bed with a good book. Okay, maybe I will do it, but not entire days I promise!

I'm also really excited because now I have all the time to focus on my health again. Now that I've slowly incorporated meat back into my diet, I've lost five pounds in less than a week. I'm not saying that's healthy, but I think I was doing the vegetarian diet unhealthily towards the end and my body was in dire need of protein. Also, although I have a Bally's on Townline Rd and literally three minutes away from me, but I still drive out to my favorite Bally's in Deerfield, which is a drive that is starting to bother me. After meeting my sister who is a member at Lifetime Fitness, at her gym on Wednesday morning, I didn't need much persuasion in deciding to make the switch. Deep down, I blame the steam room, where I definitely almost fell asleep. Anyhow, I've decided to join Lifetime again (I used to be a member in Algonquin), and I cannot wait to get started. The Lifetime Fitness in Vernon Hills is the largest Lifetime location in the nation and requires Onyx membership for its facility and services. And although it's three times the monthly fee than Bally's, it's highly worth it and it's a lot closer to me, about five miles down Milwaukee Avenue and I'm in need of some change myself. I was going to go first thing this morning but after realizing I was too sore to get out of bed, decided against it. Besides, I should take advantage of sleeping in more often right?

On a final note, I know I said I really wanted to start reading Aldous Huxley's The Doors of Perception, but after careful consideration, I have picked up the intimidating Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I should be done with it by oh, February. Surely, I'm joking with you, besides anyone can read a book quickly, but how much of the information do they actually retain? So for my first book non-school related, I'm reading Atlas Shrugged. Go big or go home right?

No Signal

About three hours ago I tried to send a text message. After twenty minutes without a reply I checked to see if the message was actually sent or in my outbox. Sure enough, the message was not sent. I turned the phone off after realizing it was "searching for a network." Two hours go by and I'm turning my phone and off, taking the battery out and putting back in and nothing changes. Eventually I call T-Mobile to try to troubleshoot the problem with my Shadow. In a call that lasted a little over an hour, my phone is still useless. So I've moved my SIM card back to my old BlackBerry to see if the problem is the card or the phone. It's funny because I'm not really upset mostly in part because the men that helped me tonight were hilarious. So just an update, I'm not screening calls or texts, I'm just having some technical difficulties.

In other news...

• I totally called that Pacman would defeat De La Hoya in the 8th round. And what happened? TKO at the end of the eighth round. I'm not going to lie, I felt a little sad for De La Hoya. It was clearly an uneven match for the latter who looked helpless at the start of round 5.

• I have decided to longer abstain from eating meat. There are several reasons for this decision, so ask me and I'll tell you. I have decided though that I'm not going to eat red meat, no burgers or steaks here.

• I met Devon last night! My sister's best friend, Ria, had her precious baby boy two months ago. He is the most adorable baby I've seen in my life, with the most pinchable cheeks ever!

• Always buy enough icing for the cupcakes you bake. (In my defense, my sister was at the store and was doing me a favor by picking up icing for me so she didn't know which kind I usually buy for when I bake. Thanks though!)

And now get ready for some pictures. Don't make fun of my apron!

Remember that Christmas tree I was telling you about outside my work? It was snowing yesterday and look how big it is!

Doing what I do best, baking!Letting the cupcakes cool before icing them while also admiring the festive cupcake wrappers.TA-DA! I ran out of icing.
Oh, Dev-Dev I miss you!
Czarina feeding Devon.
Devon looks curious but still a cutie.
He was holding my hand :)

UPDATE: My phone is officially out of commission. Actually, not my phone -- my SIM card, so I have to take it in and swap it for a new one tomorrow. If you can't get a hold of me, that is why. Sorry in advance! If you need me just leave a voicemail which I promise to check periodically.

Entropy

At dawn there is the silence

of my vacant bed.

Muted sighs remember mid-length nails

digging into the small

of your back.

I used to wrap myself

in white linen. (I used to be just as

clean).

But this was when we used

to fit

unforced.

Now the displaced realities

impress only incompatibility.

You are impossible to ignore.

I could hear you from across the room

even if you had whispered your "about that"
insincerities.

Snow

I'm fairly certain it's safe to say that it has finally snowed! Sure, it's been snowing intermittently for the past few weeks, but nothing has actually accumulated on the ground. As of yesterday however, that has changed.

When I woke up this morning a bright, white light reflected into my bedroom, and like a little girl waking on Christmas morning I sprang out of bed and pulled the blinds open.

I was unprepared for how much snow had fallen, it wasn't a record storm or anything, but just seeing a significant amount of snow on the ground takes me to my happy place, where joy and an oddly calming sensation unite. Bottom line: I love the first snowfall. Nothing makes me happier. What makes me almost as happy is driving in the snow. I love the control of a stick shift, gliding along in neutral while everyone around you panics, slamming the breaks and fishtailing. 'Tis. The. Season!

Waiting for the elevator on the 6th floor of my building:
Even when I had to clean off my car I was smiling. So it wasn't that much work, but the snow was heavy and I could only reach so far to clean off my windshield.
The trick is to open the door without letting snow fall inside.I figured I didn't need to clean off my moonroof, I couldn't reach it if I wanted to.This picture is for Fran: Pandapple & Frosty say hello :)Half an hour later it was safe to drive...So pretty...And that's my blog about snow. I love snow. Don't hate me.