Friday, March 20, 2009

Every Little Thing

You always hear that it's "the little things" that matter most. The situations in which this tidbit of insightful information comes into most use is when something has ended, when something has changed, or when someone new comes into your life and you know from the beginning that they're going to change it forever.

We're so quick to re-evaluate our lives once something, someone or some place, at one point a staple in our daily lives, is no longer a part of that dependable routine. Almost everything comes to an end and it's only in hindsight that we can look back and dissect, taking every little thing into account. And it's not that we're overly analytical, no, I believe that it's purely human nature at work, inquisitive and thoughtful. Selfishly, we always want answers. For example, we always ask the age-old, "What could I have done differently?" And then a plethora of would-be instances surface, a collection of alternate solutions leading to different outcomes that might always seem like the result we would have wanted. But what is it that we really want anymore? Can any one person truly answer that knowing 100% that they want just the one thing and nothing else? I begin to wonder if maybe the paths we take in life are for the betterment of ourselves driven mainly by decisions that ultimately are the lesser of evils. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, I don't believe in fate or any other false method of reassurance. I honestly believe that we get what we want in this life because we make it happen for ourselves. I look at my life right now and albeit not the life I'd imagine myself having at 23, I can take full responsibility for my slight disappointment. That's not to say I'm not happy, grateful, loved, or surprised everyday but I do know that a lot of things could be different right now and I acknowledge that.

My best friend and I were talking a few days ago about our exes and she told me that from the very beginning you already know why it will end. And there we were, evaluating years of failed relationships between us and sure enough, we did know. And it's not because we're negative people, if anything she's a hopeless romantic--but it's also because in relationships (like most people) we lose ourselves. And it really is only after the fact, once it's ended that we see all the problems. Although I'm a self-proclaimed extrovert, I can also be thoroughly introspective, blame it on the writer in me. It's important to evaluate oneself, to put all your flaws on the table and realize that you need to change things if the result is continually failure. And because I tend to dive head first into my innermost thoughts, I can usually pinpoint the exact moment when I know it's over. And it's a peculiar thing, I'll get the same uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, recognize it is conveniently wrapped in deja vu and in that moment all I can do is ignore it all the while knowing full well that this is it. And I can't really explain it any more than that. I guess all I can say is try it, try to imagine what that's like and just put yourself there. It's the kind of moment that stays with you forever, silently playing on repeat in the background.

I was recently reminded that we meet new people every single day, most of them strangers but some of them do serve a larger purpose. Every single person in your life has a reason to be there and I think that's something that is all too easily overlooked or forgotten. It's just important to keep in mind that everything changes, whether we want it to or not, I do believe that change is out of our control and that unfortunately, it works both for us and against us. The trick is not to deal with the transition of the daily grind, not to "adjust" to your new routine or the new you, but to enjoy and appreciate every moment of it. And although sometimes this transition hurts more than we'd initially like to admit, the pain is there to remind you that you're still alive and all you can do is the best you can.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness babe, this makes me think of Jose and I. But no matter how much I think we're gonna fail I can't let him go. Is the last paragraph about one of our conversations? Because it sure sounds like it. Lol :-)