Photography and Paramnesiac Lover

I really wish I had time to pursue my interest in photography--to take classes, take photos, etc. I have mirrors on the wall my bed is up against and I love looking at them. Not necessarily "at them" like I'm looking at myself, but at them because I admire their circular shape for reasons unbeknownst to me. As soon as I sit up in the morning, I see my reflection in these mirrors placed across my wall. I love mirrors and the way in which you take a photo, the flash bounces off of them--giving you a distorted image of yourself through a simple manipulation of light.

And so, I took these pictures. I laugh as my basic HTML skills come surfacing back to me as I post these.








Moreover, as the apparent shortening of daylight only increases, I'm suddenly plagued with lists. Lists of books I want to read, (but probably won't get around to until after graduation) which include Federico Fellini's Book of Dreams, Aldous Huxley's The Doors of Perception, and Wyndham Lewis' reprinted editions of Blast I and II, to name my top three, or rather, four.

There is also the list of things I should do, those of which include editing my cover letter and resume, filing my change of address so I can vote again, and lastly--one task that stems solely from procrastination--ordering more contacts online. I only have colored contacts now and I don't enjoy wearing them everyday. I've actually been wearing my purple glasses for quite some time now because I don't want to wear the colored lenses, and I can't find my dark rimmed glasses. The colored lenses are thicker than your usual clear contacts so they're uncomfortable after hours of wear, and also, on a more superficial note, I don't like looking like "that" Asian girl. You know which one, the Asian girl with stick straight locks whose hair color shimmers in the sunlight--a color, mind you, that is not found in nature. That Asian girl with the highlights and bright blue contacts. My colored contacts are gray and look natural--or so I'm told.

I think I should add trying to stay focused in my blogs to my list. Which I'm finding nearly impossible to do, and I apologize. For years I've noticed several eccentricities in my writing--namely that I tend to write in stream of consciousness. And so I can't imagine as a reader what this must be like trying to read my blog, but I cannot censor or edit the way I write, if I do then it is not my own, not my words, not my ideas, not the way my jumbled thoughts roll around in my head and onto this blog.

Back to my rant about lists--there is the list of what I call the I Wish's...(here are a few)

• I wish I didn't buy my tC last January. She's beautiful and I love her but I'm realizing the purchase is hindering my current plans to move out. I'd prefer not to have to pay rent AND a car payment, but it's too late now. The only thing I can do is increase my payments in the hopes of paying it off within the next year.
• I wish I took one more poetry workshop class. At UIC you're only required to take 210, 490 and 490 to declare it as your concentration (490 must be taken twice, preferably by two different instructors). I really feel like there's still so much to learn, especially in contemporary poetry. I also feel like I have new perspective in my own poetry and would love a room full of fellow writers to give me feedback.
  
• I wish simply to have more time. Lately I've been getting a lot of flack for not being able to hang out or spend time with the people in my life. Lunch dates, dinner dates, birthday festivities, you name it...it's not that I don't have the time, it's usually just the day it falls on or the time--that I'm already obligated to be somewhere else. Yesterday I was asked to have lunch downtown and when I explained that I wasn't going to be downtown because I had work to do, I got a text that read: "I've been hearing that a lot lately." I know he didn't mean for it to come off rudely, but I did feel a little guilty. This semester has been a lot of work, the most work, actually--especially since I'm trying to graduate with at least a 3.0. Just give me three months is all I can say.
  

Lastly, I finished a poem today...a new poem! It took about a week for this first draft to get where it is, but I know it's not completely done. It's done for now though which is why I'm posting it, I'll come back to it after I give it room to breathe, give myself room to breathe. Anyhow, I'm a nerd and am absolutely excited. I know what I was trying achieve with this poem, but let me know what you think. Oh and, another aspect about my writing, as well as my poetry is concerned, is that I am downright personal. I believe that good writers write what they know. I enjoy and admire the no-bullshit-type of writing, it's the best there is. Of course, I try but struggle a lot with this.

Paramnesiac Lover

Open windows welcome
Fall through our
filtered screens sectioned.

Eye-liner stained pillow cases
crease--in a spun gown
of sheets I lay.

A few more moments, have I
been here before?

I extend an arm lovingly
to embrace insensate
pillows beside me.

Inhaling to when
your skin against mine boldly splattered
onto my taupe hued mornings.

You kiss me--kissed me, your secrets as
I promised not to tell. Cross my heart
and--

Your thumb pauses, possessive--
over my throat, fingers then
tangling themselves in black strands.

Hours were lost in our jigsaw
mornings. Taut skin sensitized under

thin cotton layers.

800 thread count.

You loved the way my foot
still arched in flats. I loathed the
taste of your cigarettes in my mouth.