Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Keep Me Warm

I told myself I wasn't going to blog about this yesterday when it initially crossed my mind.

But do you know that feeling, where right after leaving someone you're so ridiculously happy that you want to turn back to see if they're smiling too? Well I never do, turn around, that is. And as I was walking away I realized this, that I want someone that I can turn around to and see smiling. It's not even about seeing them smile, it's just to have the strength to turn around.

I've always been so proud, so guarded, and so detached when it comes to relationships. It's not that I am incapable of letting someone in, it's something else inside me that honestly won't let me open up. Be it all my failed relationships, random hookups, and my casual approach to dating--I just can't do it.

My friends and family joke around that I'm like a guy when it comes to dating, which now that I think about it, is just an incorrect gender stereotype. Women can date without so called "feelings," but when we do it (sleep around, that is) we inherit all the negative slurs that men do not. And I don't regret a single thing because I know if I'd taken all the chances and opportunities to be in several relationships, I'd be much worse off. That those men would be much worse off because frankly, I was never ready.

The hopeful lover in me wishes that one day I'll just know. That he'll come along and poof! I'll let down all my guards and love again.

But the grounded, rational side of me knows better. And that's something that I'm working on everyday.

So why blog all this baggage? I'm not usually a sap for prime time dramas, but I've Netflixed the last season of Grey's Anatomy because I've been too busy to stay current with it and have fallen two seasons behind.

Season 4 was weak if you ask me, but I just watched the finale and I have to admit that a tear fell. I'm not sure if it was the candlelit blueprint, the desperation in Meredith's scared but pleading voice, or the familiar melody of Ida Maria's "Keep Me Warm" playing in the background, or if it was a combination of all of it, but it really got to me. Okay, so not that all of those key ingredients weren't important in making the tear fall, but it was a line that Meredith said. And it's so embarrassing to post this, but it was simple and to the point, beautiful yet terrifyingly honest, "I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart."

And enter tear...

I can't remember the last time I cried. I wasn't balling on the floor or anything, but a tear fell and I felt something. In such a long time I haven't felt so willing to be open. I haven't felt this lonely in a really long time. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware I haven't been in an exclusive relationship in 3 years, but at the same time, I've never been single. Ever. Just last week, Francesca's boyfriend asked who I was dating "now," and he didn't mean in a hurtful way, he meant it in a playful way. And I wasn't offended by it, but I realized that I don't want my friends to have that impression of me. I don't want to have that impression of myself.

So I don't know, I don't know what I'm saying and I don't know what I want. I just know that sometimes I wish I had someone that I could call at the end of long, horrible day like today. I know that I miss falling asleep on the phone with someone and waking up to see that we're still connected. I know that sometimes when I can barely stand that I wish someone would take my hand and help me walk. I know that I miss being missed and being told so.

However, I do know that someday I want someone who will make me turn around, someone that I can be extraordinary with.

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